Brag Warfare between Nigerians: Principles & Theories of Brag Warfare

Nigerian parents have a certain quality that doesn't seem to die as generations pass. Bragging is a quality that permeates Nigerian families and creates competition amongst neighbors.

Amongst Nigerian families, we see our parents competing against their friends on ‘whose child earns the highest degrees’, ‘whose son makes more cash’, and ‘who builds the largest house’. The term that I use to describe this form of warfare is ‘Brag Warfare’.

In Nigeria, showing ostentatiousness has been made so much of a necessity that a father would go as far as getting a new car in times of financial turmoil, simply as a ‘counterbrag’ against his neighbor who had recently bought one.

When I wrote the JAMB examination back in 2011, my results came out as 232 out of 400, (which was good, as it was above average). My dad was joyful at my performance and I can clearly remember him buying suya (it’s like braai, but tastier). When he called my aunt who was one of his ‘usual opponents’, to brag about his son’s JAMB result, she counter-bragged with her daughter’s which was 264. My dad’s countenance for the rest of the week changed … he had been out-bragged.

When I got admission into Monash South Africa, my dad sure enough did not waste any time in bragcasting (bragging to multiple people in a short period of time) his son’s admission into a prestigious foreign university. As time went on and the issuance of my study permit was being delayed at the embassy, his friends were beginning to question his veracity. This form of counterbragging is known as psyco-counterbragging; whereby you identify a weakness in an opponent’s brag, and then verbally undermine it and question it until the opponent believes that his/her brag is worthless or low in value. By psycho-counterbragging, the opponent’s brag is invalid, and therefore, he/she needs to replace the brag or else, the brag warfare is deemed to be won by the psycho-counterbragger.

6 Principles of Brag Warfare:

1. Each ostentatious action of a neighbor is deemed to be a form of bragging;
2. A neighbor has initiated brag war by such an action;
3. It is necessary to counterbrag;
4. Each successive counterbrag should surpass a previous brag in value.
5. A brag ceiling exists. This is the ultimate and unsurpassable brag that a bragger can produce.
6. The Law of Win by Brag Ceiling comes in when the highest possible valuable brag has been implemented. This means that once the highest possible brag has been given, the opponent cannot produce a higher value brag, and therefore, the brag war has been won by the person who produced the brag ceiling.

5 Ways I Get Through a Scolding

Getting scolded or advised by your dad or any other elder can be a real bore. Most of us don’t want to listen to what they say and this leads them to frequently ask the question: “Are you listening?” or the command “Listen to me!”, thus elongating the unwanted conversation.

There are ways to cut the dialogue short, or even to defend yourself, that have been used by past and present generations without fail.

 I don’t know about you, but for me and many Nigerians, we take care of the problem of long talk by the following methods:

1.     Head Nod: This shows them that you understand what they are saying. It also makes you look more mature and responsible. For some reason, nodding your head while being scolded is also a sign of respect.

2.     Sentence Completion Method: When your father is thinking of a word to use, or he’s stuttering, suggest the perfect word for him. This will show him that you’re listening. Repeating the last word or phrase of the sentence shows them that you indeed are aware of your flop, and that it was merely a result of forgetfulness. 

 E.g.,

Mum: “Abel, I have told you times without number, to always –“

Me: “wash my plate after use.”

Another example:

Dad: “Your act of insolence is in, in, in-“

Me: “-admissable”

Dad: “Yes, inadmissible!”

3.     Question Follows Question (QFQ) Method: This seems to only work for the old people. When an elder says something clear and unequivocal, ask him a question meant to verify. This is usually employed whenever you need time to think of a good defense for your flop; it’s basically stalling. Here is an example of this:

Grandpa: I told you to be early, and now you are late.

Me: I’m late? [checks watch]

Grandpa: What were you doing?

Me: What was I doing?

Grandpa: Yes, what were you doing?

However, ensure that you don’t use this more than thrice in a conversation, because the elder might get annoyed.

4.     Look Down; Look Front (LDLF) Method: This is used to show shame for your act. Looking down means you can’t bear the shame; looking at the scolder at intervals signifies a bold step taken towards taking up responsibility for the wrongful act.

Ensure that both actions (look down; look front) are balanced. Constantly looking down tells the scolder that you haven’t the courage and maturity to stand up to your wrongdoing. Constantly looking at the scolder tells them that you show no shame for the act. Therefore, there is a crucial need to keep shame and confidence balanced.

5.     After-scold Seclusion (ASS) method: The ASS is the method I most frequently use to show my parents that I’m indeed sorry for my flop.

The method only involves staying in your room for the rest of the day, following a scold. Your parents think that you’re truly remorseful, and you've isolated yourself in order to think about what you've done, and perhaps cry … meanwhile, you’re playing Xbox, while eating Doritos and chatting with a friend online.

Thursday Myths & Legends: African Myths About The Elephant

Snipped from www.a-gallery.de

From the Kamba Tribe of Kenya 

A very poor man heard of lvonya-Ngia, 'He that feeds the Poor'. He decided to go and find Ivonya-Ngia but it was a long journey. When he finally arrived, he saw uncounted cattle and sheep, and there, amidst green pastures, was the mansion of Ivonya-Ngia, who received the poor man kindly, perceived his need and ordered his men to give him a hundred sheep and a hundred cows. 'No', said the poor man, 'I want no charity, I want the secret of how to become rich.' Ivonya-Ngia reflected for a while, then took a flask of ointment and gave it to the poor man, saying: 'Rub this on your wife's pointed teeth in her upper jaw, wait until they have grown, then sell them.' The poor man carried out the strange instructions, promising his wife that they would become very rich. After some weeks, the canine teeth began to grow and when they had grown into tusks as long as his arm the man persuaded his wife to let him pull them out. He took them to the market and sold them for a flock of goats. After a few weeks the wife's canine teeth had grown again, becoming even longer than the previous pair, but she would not let her husband touch them. Not only her teeth, but her whole body became bigger and heavier, her skin thick and grey. At last she burst out of the door and walked into the forest, where she lived from then on. She gave birth to her son there, who was also an elephant. From time to time her husband visited her in the forest, but she would not be persuaded to come back, although she did have more healthy children, all elephants. It was the origin of elephants and it explains why elephants are as intelligent as people.

From the African Nation of Chad:

A hunter in Chad found an elephant skin near Lake Chad and hid it. Soon he saw a lovely big girl crying, because she had lost her good 'clothes'. The hunter promised her new clothes and married her. They had many big children, for the son of an elephant cannot be a dwarf. One bad day when the grainstore was empty, his wife found the elephant skin at the bottom, where the hunter had hidden it. She put it on and went back to the bush to live as an elephant again. Her sons became the ancestors of the clan whose totem was the elephant. They do not have to fear elephants. 

From Southern Africa:

In Southern Africa there is told the tale of the girl who grew up so tall and fat that no man wanted her as a wife because she was accused of witchcraft. She was exiled from her village and wandered into the wilderness on her own. There she met an elephant who began speaking to her politely in good Zulu. She agreed to stay with him and he helped her to find wild cucumbers and other fruits of the forest. She gave birth to four human sons, all very tall and strong, who became the ancestors of the Indhlovu clan of paramount chiefs. 

African Cuisine Wednesday: Ugandan Dishes

Ugandan Matoke: http://www.food.com/recipe/ugandan-matoke-235945

A simple dish made with plantain, beef, and other easily accessible ingredients, this will get your lips smacking!

Ugandan Curried Potatoes: http://low-cholesterol.food.com/recipe/ugandan-curried-potatoes-310292

Learn to cook curried potatoes the Ugandan way.

Groundnut Stew: http://www.food.com/recipe/ugandan-groundnut-stew-235939

Enjoy this belly-friendly dish, brought to you all the way from Uganda.

Pineapple Nut Bread: http://www.food.com/recipe/ugandan-pineapple-nut-bread-235940

What's for breakfast? Why not have Ugandan pineapple nut bread before you go to school?

Rant: "Although bananas are available in abundance in almost all parts of the country, these are still consumed obsessively; if not as matoke then as a fruit or dessert. Don’t be surprised if you are served bananas with tea instead of biscuits in government meetings." (http://muzunguinkampala.wordpress.com/)

Educational Tuesday: Gaiya's Guide to Speaking Nigerian Pidgin English

Anyone who's been to West Africa probably has noticed that there exists a certain form of English which is prevalently spoken in that region. Pidgin English - or broken English as it's called by many - is basically what it is: a broken and EXTREMELY informal form of English.

Years ago, when West Africans began to interact with the whites through slave trades etc, there was a need to bridge the gap between native languages, and correct English language. Therefore, natives began to break English into a simpler, and easier language which could also be understood - to some degree - by the whites. 

Broken English is made up of words broken from English, French, and various native languages. For instance, the broken English word 'sabi' which means 'to know' actually originated from the French word 'savi', which also means to know.

The fundamental of NBE (Nigerian Broken English) is that it does not conform to the English laws of grammar. Words and phrases usually do not follow a sequence as demanded by English grammatical laws; this is the reason why it is easier to learn and speak. However, regardless of the fact that there are no laws in NBE, there exist norms which need to be followed in order to get someone to understand you.

I will be teaching you the Nigerian broken english.

FUNDAMENTALS OF NBE (NIGERIAN BROKEN ENGLISH)

In NBE, present, past, and future tenses don't change the way verbs appear. Whether in English it's 'came' or 'coming', in NBE it all appears as 'come'. However, the verbs must be preceded by the word 'dey'. For example:

'I am coming' to NBE would be 'I dey come'.

'I am going' would be 'I dey go'

'I came yesterday' would be 'I come yesterday'

There is also a second norm when talking about a past event. Using the word 'bin' before the verb is also widely employed. For example:

'I came yesterday' could be 'I bin come yesterday'

To describe a future event, NBE doesn't say 'I will come', it says 'I go come'. Virtually every future tense is described with 'go'. Another example:

'I will run today' to NBE would be 'I go run today.'

Even English sentences with 'go' aren't exempted from this norm. So, 'I will go tomorrow' would be 'I go go tomorrow'. Don't worry about sounding like a retard when you repeat 'go'.

PREPOSITIONS 'TO' AND 'AT' AREN'T USED

In NBE, the prepositions 'to' and 'at' are rarely used in sentences that it's almost a principle not to use them. For example:

'I am going to the store' would be 'I dey go store'

'I am at the store' would be 'I dey store'

'WANT' IS REPLACED BY 'WAN'

The English word 'want' becomes 'wan' (pronounced without 't') in NBE. For example:

'I want to eat fish' becomes 'I wan (remove 'to') eat fish'

NEGATIVE STATEMENTS

What I mean by negative statements are statements like 'I will not come'. With such statements, the word 'no' is used. For example:

'I will not come' to NBE would be 'I no go come'

'I don't like her' would be 'I no like her'

'I don't eat fish' would be 'I no dey eat fish'

'I won't eat fish' would be 'I no go eat fish'

'I want to go home' would be 'I wan go house' ('home' is converted to 'house' in NBE.)

PRONOUNS (he, she, him, her)

'He' becomes 'hin' in NBE; 'she' remains the same. For example:

'He came to my home' becomes 'hin come my house'

'Him' and 'her' are replaced with 'am' For example:

'I like him' would be 'I like am'

'I don't like her' would be 'I no like am'

'IT IS' and 'IT WAS' ARE REPLACED BY 'NA'

'na' is used to describe objects and people. For example:

'It is Peter' would be 'na Peter'

'It was her time' would be 'na her time'

'KNOW' AND 'CAN' ARE REPLACED BY 'SABI'

This isn't always the case. Some people prefer to stick with 'know' instead of 'sabi'.

For example:

'I know him' would be 'I sabi am'. Alternatively, it could be 'I know am.'

'I can do it' would be 'I sabi' 

'EAT' IS REPLACED BY 'CHOP'

For example:

'I will eat rice' would be 'I go chop rice'

'WALK' is REPLACED BY 'WALKA'

For example:

'I walked home' would be 'I walka go house'

I should stop here for now, this should be enough to assimilate for today. In the next lesson, I shall teach you how to greet and ask questions in NBE. Perhaps, if my lazy level lowers, I might post a short lecture video on youtube.

Here's an online NBE dictionary that you can refer to: http://naijalingo.com/

Superstition Sunday: The Danger of the Broom

Initially, I thought this African superstition emerged from my tribe, but I've come to realize that many other Nigerian tribes and some tribes from other countries share the belief that, hitting a man with a broom ... wait for it ... destroys his ability to impregnate women.

When I was little, while my family lived in Kano state (around 1999), we used to visit our grandma in the village more often than we do now. Understand that superstitions are prevalent in villages, and when you bring my grandma + village setting, multiplied by the many idle village rumor spreaders, the result is a prevalence of superstition, which if even created by someone at 8:00am, would reach the ends of the village by 8:30. Therefore, new superstitions pop up every hour, like those annoying internet ads.

But, this specific belief of 'broom-causing impotence' is a very old one (over 100 years old). It may have been true at that time ... oooorrr, it may just have been a man's way of blaming an inanimate object for his inability to perform his matrimonial duties.

Since I'm a firm believer in the existence of supernatural powers which can cause natural phenomena, it's 'logical' for me to assume that women in the olden times, many of whom were Nkut ('Nkut' is the term for witches in my tribe), put spells on brooms in order to 'sweep off' a man's manhood. 

Politics: Robert Mugabe, at Age 89, Wins Presidential Election, Again

If you've heard of the African country called Zimbabwe, you must already know that corruption and a failed economy are synonymous with it. 

Robert Mugabe, who first became the president of Zimbabwe in the year 1980, has ruled for over 30 years. The July 2013 election results have been announced, and it appears that the dictator, Mugabe, won with a 61.09% majority vote. 

One would wonder why, after over 30 years of being a president, and considering the fact that he is 89 years old - when you're supposed to rest and watch your grandchildren play while on vacation - Robert Mugabe still ran for president again. He is merely a power-hungry oppressor who has no positive legacy to leave behind when he dies.

His accomplishments - if there are any at all - cannot redeem him when his failures are outlined. I shall briefly create a list of what Mugabe has done, and what he has done. 

1) He enacted a policy of forcible dispossession of White farmers. The policy enabled a terrorist-like group called the "War Veterans", who violently threw people off their lands.

2) The farms were taken over by the war veterans, who due to incompetence, were unproductive, leading to low supply of essential foodstuffs.

3) Mugabe ordered the printing of more currency notes as a means of quashing the low-productivity-caused rising prices. Any economist will tell you that printing more money to tackle inflation is the worst idea ever.

4) Inflation Rate averaged 1189.09 percent from 1999 until 2013, reaching an all time high of 66212.00 percent in December of 2007 (www.tradingeconomics.com). You don't have to be a good economist or mathematician to know that inflation is bad even if it's at say, 5%. Then, imagine how bad it is at 66212%. I have Zimbabwean friends, and I've learned that at one time, a loaf of bread could cost 10,000,000 Zimbabwean Dollars. 

5) According to World Bank and U.N figures, average life expectancy dropped from 63 years in 1990 to 37.3 years in 2005. 

6) 83 percent of Zimbabweans live on less than $2 per day and 45 percent of the population are malnourished, according to world food program.

7) There is not enough fuel to generate electricity and the average GNI per capita is $340.

The only positive achievements associated with the Mugabe rule are:

1) Free primary education for all students, and admission into secondary school guaranteed, for all who qualified.

2) Free medical care for those with low incomes.

3) A housing law granting freehold ownership to home renters of 30 year's standing.