How to Scare Your Sister at Midnight

Here's a really funny thing that happened on Christmas eve (24th December).

Throughout the day I had been lazy to do laundry. I had been postponing the task all week.

I went out for a stroll with friends and returned home at around 11 pm. I decided to do my laundry immediately because I didn’t want to have work the next day (Christmas day).


Girls’ room window’s just above the backyard where I was washing. My elder sis heard, who as the only one awake at that time, heard noises from below her window at 12 am and got scared. She called out for whoever was outside, but due to my nature of enjoying impromptu pranks, I didn't reply.


I couldn't resist the urge to scare her even more; so I started making uncanny noises and mumbling gibberish. You should have heard her scream. It was hilarious!

This morning, she was narrating her ordeal to everyone. I just stood there...smiling.

December 24th: Christmas Eve (aka Child Labour Day)

Christmas Eve - The only day child labour is socially acceptable.
There was a lot of work to do. Lots of cleaning up after the work, and then lots of work again...and so the circle continues.
The maid wasn't around to help. She traveled to her village for Christmas. It's during her absence that I realized the big impact she had been making in my life. If not for her, I would have worked myself to death all these years.

My two good friends Gabriel and Harry came over and relieved me of my duties for a little while.

"Where are you off to?" asked Sandra, our work administrator, supervisor, and my eldest sister. At times like this, she automatically becomes the mother superior.

"I have guests who I am obliged to entertain"
She couldn't hold me back. 

"Damn it guys, you rescued me from labor"

I made sure my friends stayed as long as they could. Unfortunately, they had somewhere else to be. Somewhere fun.
I waved them good bye and walked back into bondage.

I, Gabriel and Harry planned to go to a bar called 'Green Hill' at night. However, I think my dad foresaw secret partying happening this night. So he carried a newspaper, a glass of juice, and sat outside. No one could reach the gate without him seeing.

My sis also had plans of her own. A guy came to see her, and parked his car in front of my home. At that time, my dad was returning from a friend's palace. My dad saw a strange car parked in front of his house. After the gate was opened for dad, and he got in with his car, he went to make inquiries as to the reason for the stranger's impudent act.
Dad asked the guy what he was doing in front of his house. The guy said he came to see my sis.
As you'd expect, my dad began to scold and advise him (mostly scolding).

"Is it proper to visit someone at this time of the night? Give me one good reason why I shouldn't label you a security risk? You might be a kidnapper or even a suicide bomber for all I know."

Dad was being a little over dramatic. But I guess that's the type of behavior you'd expect from an ex-military officer.

At about 10 pm, I, Gabriel and Harry came out and walked around the neighborhood in search of greener pastures (parties). Harry's sister had told him there was a carnival somewhere close. We searched for the site to no avail. It was a failure.
We eventually split up to our homes. At least there's a party on the 25th and the 27th; so I'll be having a lot of stories to post on the blog on the 28th.

Conclusion of 'Party with Vanessa' and Christmas Preparation

The party with Vanessa and her two friends was really fun. We didn't leave the place until 9 pm. It was a good think my dad had traveled and my mum never noticed my absence.
At seven o'clock we had left the place. Vanessa and her two friends drove away in the car they came with.
Before she left, we talked alone for a while.

"I really enjoyed myself" she said, swaying her body from side to side.
 
"I also did. I think we both needed it."

A few seconds of silence succeeded.Then I spoke.

"Well, I believe it's time for us to depart. I'm sure my mum's in front of my home waiting for me with her handgun"

Laughter ensued after my statement.

"Karl, I'll have to be going home now, else you'll keep me here all night"

With that, Vanessa move forward and gave me a quick kiss my cheek.

"Goodnight Karl"

"Night Vanessa"

Best night ever! Well, not actually my best night, but you know what I mean.

                                                                            ***

Christmas preparation in my home began yesterday (21st December). Maybe my parents didn't want to waste any money buying stuff until we were past 21st (when the world supposedly should have ended). If the world had ended, then their money would have gone to waste.

We made a traditional Nigerian Christmas delicacy called 'chin chin'. For more information about the chin chin, ask Google.
My dad bought drinks and many chickens. We were fowl rich!
In Nigeria, very few families had Christmas trees and decorations during Christmas. This is so in my home. The house looked as ordinary as it did in May.

My mum's going on a two week pilgrimage to Jerusalem, Rome... tomorrow. This means she won't be around for Christmas and New Year. This also means (more painfully) that we'll be stuck with dad for two weeks.
Dad is extra vigilant during Christmas. It's like his powers of being watchful reach their peak during the Christmas period.
Two weeks of no partying, no noise, no receiving visitors without interrogation from my dad; and no going out after six o'clock. It always seems to know what we do secretly and openly. It's like he has a spy amongst us. I've always suspected my younger brother to be the snitch, because they often speak...a little too often.

But on the bright side...well, there is no bright side. I guess we'll just have to do it the old fashioned way...sneaking out. It's time to embrace my secret agent skills.

Working on a Novel

Last night, I got inspiration to start writing a serious novel. I got on my laptop and typed the first 2000 words. This is the highest number of words I've typed in a day writing a story.

Usually, I never finish any story that I start. I get tired, fatigued, frustrated, bored and well, I just give up.
However, this year, my innovation boomed and I had to start writing full time.

The title of the story is 'Psychic Chronicles' (although I'll probably change the name eventually).
The story is based partly on Ambrose Bierce's article on the way humans think that the regular operations of nature is all there is to this world.
There are individuals that have the ability to heighten their senses to the point of tearing through the mendacity that humans call 'Reality'. Here is the prologue of the story:

The world is not all that it seems to be. Humans think they know everything, but in reality, their knowledge is limited to what they see and perceive.

There are objects which the human eyes cannot see; colors which are unfeasibly unidentifiable; and sounds that are impossible to hear.

Humans think that the orderly operations of familiar natural laws are all there is about the place we call earth. However, there is more to the world than meets the eye.
There are forces in existence that are so inexplicable, that the humans ignore them as insignificant anomalies.
Due to the incomprehensibility of these forces, and how they seem incongruous with the normal human laws and logical paradigms, human researchers neglect them and term them ‘inane’.

However, there are certain people whose senses are so perspicacious that they are able to break through the barrier of the superficial human world into the world of anomalies and logical irregularities.
These individuals have the ability to see and interact with the unknown. Since the creation of man, these people have been in existence. Known by many names by many cultures all over the world, their abilities have been kept secret from the rest of the world.
In modern times, they are known as ‘Psychics’.

I really hope I'll be able to NOT give up and abandon this story just like I've done with the rest.

December 16th, 17th and Dad

I haven't written about my parents so far, so here it goes:

My dad's a 53 year old retired Air Force officer. He's a great guy, but we don't really talk much.
We only speak when it's necessary (eg. when I go to ask for something, or when he calls me to send me on an errand, or when he's bored and calls me to talk about school).
This is because when I was a kid, he was always traveling and going on peacekeeping as a military officer. So we hadn't the time to connect. To be honest, he's not present in any of my childhood memories.

Dad talks a little like Mufasa from The Lion King. When I'm at school and he calls me on my cellphone, his voice gets really Mufasa-like. At the end of the call he usually says
"Remember to do your homework...Remember...Remember" (Read it out loud in Mufasa's voice)
In my mind I'd be like "Okay I will. No need to get dramatic".

My dad's the kind of person to complain about every damn think he sees out of place. No matter how little it is, he makes a big deal out of it.
"Why is the refrigerator open? he says
"Who made that little stain on the wall?! Call everyone! We're having a family meeting immediately!"

Dad's doesn't like trouser sagging, an uncut hair, putting on earphones, wearing sneakers...(Pretty much anything that defines a teenager).
Anytime I let my hair grow, he complains and I have to cut it. When I cut it, he says:
"You need a haircut, when last did you cut your hair?"
"Uhm, the day before yesterday"
"That long?! Go cut it again!"
That's the reason I dodge him anytime I hear him approaching. The annoying thing's that he doesn't do anything that contradicts his rules, and so he can't be criticized. His head is as smooth as a baby's ass.

Although one thing I like about him is his dissing. Whenever we travel to the village for Christmas or New Year, he makes us laugh in the car by making fun of random people on the sidewalk.
Once, we passed a church where a large wedding was held. There were only two cars on the church premises. My dad pointed at the cars and said
"Wayo!" (This is a native exclamation that kinda means "Damn!") "Look at the number of people at that wedding, but there are only two cars there."

                                                                   ***

I'll write about my mum on my next post.
In the meantime, here's what happened on Sunday (16th) and Monday (17th).

 Sunday
The governor of my state died in a helicopter crash o Saturday. So this weekend there was political talk and cogitations everywhere. Word on the street is that the death is a conspiracy, and a precursor for a larger devious plan.  I think people are being a little too dramatic.

The cause of the crash is unknown, and probably will never be known. Let's face it, Nigeria has bad security forensics teams. You see them in black suits and dark shades, looking professional and all; but they can't do anything. After the inspection, one of the forensics experts was asked for the cause of the crash. Here is his analysis: "Big iron bird fly, big iron bird fall" (Note: For those who would believe this, know that it's only a joke, or rather an exaggeration).
The governor was pronounced dead even before it was professionally confirmed. It went like:
Announcer: "The governor died in a helicopter crash"
People: Has it been confirmed?
Announcer: Well, not really, but what's your point?  

Enough about the governor, let's talk about my day.
Service wasn't boring today. The sermon was about the holiness of God. In order to make a point, the pastor used several examples to portray the 'filthiness of filth'. So he spent the first 10 minutes of the sermon talking about poo, toilets, odor, and other dirty stuff. It was really unprofessional.

There were two lovely ladies sitting in front of me during the service. One of them repeatedly glanced behind her to take quick peeks at me (by the way, I looked quite debonair today). I just winked at her a couple of times to assure her that her glances are not in vain. I know what you're thinking "I'm not supposed to do that in church". But it isn't a sin because I'm not married, and therefore I'm still in the bachelors market.
Immediately the service was over, I slipped a small piece of paper into her palms. My phone number was written on the paper. It might sound strange, but I usually carry a piece of paper with my number on it in case of emergency or on the spur of the moment flirts.

I went called Vanessa to let her know I was on my way to pick her up for the party. She told me she was on her way there with two of her friends.
I made my entrance with class. Going into the hotel premises in my mum's car, I parked up, opened the door, and put one leg out of the car.
The idea was to be dramatic. I even thought of getting out in slow mo (but that would have looked retarded).

I saw Vanessa ad her friends looking at me from a distance. I caught one of her friends pointing at me as if asking "Is that the guy? wow, he's so fly"
I walked up to them and hugged Vanessa.
"Hello ladies"
"Hi" The two girls said. They were both pretty. But not as pretty as Vanessa.

"Abel, these are my two BFFs Tina and Esther"

"Nice to meet you", "any girlfriend of Vanessa is my girlfriend"

This joke was succeeded by a moment of laughter.
"Karl you haven't changed at all" Vanessa said, still chuckling.

"Why should I? I'd lose a lot of friends if a change my personality"

"Even though I've only just met you, I'll support you on that." Tina said

"Yeah, at first when I saw you getting out of your car I thought you'd be one of those boring classy guys". I smiled when Esther said this.

"Well, I believe life's too short to not have an appealing sense of humor". I gave Vanessa a slight push with my shoulders as I said this.

"Do you want me to fall? I'm wearing high heels!"

"Why would you wear high heels when you knew you were going partying with me? You won't be able to contend with me during our dance off"


I'll write what happened next on my next post.
Hope you liked this one :)




 







 

The Fart: Martin Luther king's Last Message

I was so bored that I came up with this hilarious skit. It's Martin Luther King's last message before his death.

The Fart,

It has been man’s best friend for millennia past and millennia to come.

Used by the great Pharaohs of Egypt, the emperors of China, the Queens of England to relieve themselves of their political exertions.
Even the presidents of the United States made their ‘Presidential Farts’ or ‘First Farts’ in the Oval Office.

Within seconds of its release, it can transform a large quiet room into a hall of pandemonium.

Within seconds of its release, it can cause laughter in a room where laughter was never tolerated.

There are the loud farts. They are the funniest and fiercest.

There are the silent farts, exuded from the buttocks in a low hissing tone. Do not undermine its capability. For it is the deadliest fart known to man.

It can cause a thousand warriors to flee. Cause a hundred doves to fall to the ground.

Perhaps, if harnessed correctly, it could become the most dangerous bioweapon ever created.

The fart.

What would we DO without it?

How would we LIVE without it?

What would we BE without it?

Brethren, I urge you all to DO the fart, LIVE the fart, and BE the fart. For I pray that one day, all nations, all leaders, and all peoples, will drop their differences and fart together as one!

                                                                                                                                                        - - Martin Luther King Jr.

-           - Martin Luther king

December 15th: Summary

I didn't achieve anything at all this week. I just hope that the months will pass by real quick because I want to get back to school in February.
Staying home has made me lazier than I usually am. Therefore, it's because of this laziness that I have decided to stop posting on this blog daily. Instead, I will post only on Wednesdays and Saturdays. Although this is not a rigid rule (I may post on days when I feel inspired).
So let me brief you on what happened on Thursday and Friday (as I didn't post on those days).

Thursday:
I still didn't receive a notification from the bank concerning my account creation. I had to go back there and inquire again. I was then told that if I didn't get the notification on that day or Friday, then I should return on Monday. It was when I went home that I discovered I had been checking the wrong email account for the notification! I checked the correct one and found the alert (sent since Wednesday). 

Vanessa called me today. I was busy on my laptop when my phone rang. This annoyed me because whenever I'm typing, I never like interruptions. But when I grabbed the phone I saw it was Vanessa. I had been so busy that I had forgotten to call her since Tuesday.
"Vanessa, how are you?"
"Hmm so you couldn't call me ba?"
"It's not like that, due to the many things keeping me busy, I forgot to call"
"That's what you always say"
"I'm serious. You know I'm a very busy man" This was something I usually say whenever I give excuses for lateness or not calling.
"So busy that you forgot to call your girl after about a year"
"Okay I'm out of excuses, let me just say I'm sorry"
"That's not enough for me to forgive you"
"Then what can do for expiation?" I asked, "How about I take you out on Saturday?"
"Hmm, I think that will do. But Saturday won't do, I'll be busy then. You know I'm a very busy woman"
With a short chuckle I said "all right, how about this, there's a party on Sunday. Why don't we go together?"
"It's settled then"
"Plus it'll give me a chance to see the dance moves you learned in Ghana"
"and those you learned in South Africa"
That was it; I had officially gotten a date with Vanessa.

Friday
Today, the only thing I looked forward to was the party at Alliance Francais. However, I sensed the party would be boring ('Sensing' the level of fun in a future party is an ability I got when I accidentally touched a radioactive party mix CD).
Immediately I woke up in the morning, I went on my PC. I was watching 'The Mentalist' (this season movie is addictive).
I watched till I got hungry. I got some food and went back to the PC. I watched till I got hungry, again. I got some food and went back to watching. And so the circle continued...
The party was by 6 pm and it was 5:25 when I began to prepare. I took my bath, wore some nice things and wore my cologne. Had you seen me, you'd would have fallen for me instantly ;)

But then a sudden prang of laziness came over me. I just didn't feel like going to town y 6pm for a party I knew would turn out boring. I deliberated in for a long time (2 minutes) and decided not to go. Then I called my sis who was already at the party. I asked her if the party was 'happening', and she told me yes. I heard a faint sound of music in the background and thought "If the party was happening, the music would've been louder than that" (I was looking for the littlest excuse not to go). Besides, I don't trust my sis. The party may be funereal and she'd say it was the bomb.
So I stayed home.

Saturday
I'll be going to a really fun party tomorrow with Vanessa. So that will make up for the parties I've missed through out the month. I'm gonna get it down!
On Wednesday, I'll let you know how it went ;)